Everything seemed so bright and my vision so blur, as I carefully open my eyes to get a clearer view of the ones that brought me into this world. In a state of panic and eagerness, I cried my heart out hoping to be squeezed back into my comfort zone. My previous cries had me so exhausted after a short while, all I could do was pause and listen. As I listened, the voices around me began getting intense with excitement. Some sniffling tears, some repeating words of thanks. “Could all this be for me? I wondered. Did I do something special?”. This might be the beginning of something great, I only must adapt to my new environment.

When all was peaceful and quiet, I let out a yawn of rest in the arms of someone familiar. I knew her voice, I could sense her smile as she started singing a song I’ve heard before. I returned a smile like I always did when everything was much darker. There we go, she loved that.

Being out of the tiny space I used to inhabit and having this very enormous space with so many people was getting easier each day. Everything seemed so much bigger, except in the arms of my mother and father. That’s where I felt safe and comfortable. Whenever my parents held me in their arms, they made so many promises, most of which I couldn’t understand, and I didn’t know why, but I felt contented. With so much assurance that these two have me in their arms, I would close my eyes to sleep, in preparation of the life ahead of me.

As soon as I was able to recognize my parents, the days seemed to move faster. “You bring so much joy to our lives,” Mum and Dad would regularly compliment me. I’ll be honest, the sweet words and cuddles always made me feel very special. Deep within me, I usually wondered what I did to deserve these compliments. After all, the only thing I seemed to do was have them at my beck and call every minute. However, I longed for them always.

At the age of three and with no sibling or pet to play with at least, I found something my heart warmed up to – music! It was always fun trying to mimic the voices and rhythm of the professionals on TV.  Mum and dad would clap for me with so much enthusiasm after each performance. She’s got talent, they would say.

Singing soon became a part of my toddler years. You could see in my eyes that there was no going back. Fear could not share the same room with me when it was time to singing in front of people. I would confidently close my eyes to feel the rhythm and then slowly let go, letting my voice carry the rhythm. Singing became one of the most exciting things for me. It made me happy when everyone around me smiled as I sang.

Your voice is a true gift. My parents constantly expressed gratitude to God, the giver of this gift especially when they were flooded with praise, “Your baby is a little angel… you are so lucky…” The praises and compliments from everyone increased as I grew and got better with singing every three hundred and sixty-five days. Being an only child in the family that had ‘more than enough,’ spending money on me was not an issue. Mum and Dad gladly equipped me with every resource I required.

Life began to drag and become less exciting as the teenage years kicked in. Mum and Dad got busier with work, managing my music and church activities, leaving me to grow up and figuring things out by myself. My schedule was pretty much straight forward- home, school, church and studio session. And the cycle would repeat. Everything I did seemed more like a job. If this is what growing up was all about, I would have asked to delay a little longer.

I wanted to do everything in my life with a free spirit, not to be practically locked up in shadows for my own protection as mum and Dad put it. What do I need to be protected from? they never sat down to explain to me. It was like ‘take what I say and leave it at that’. I was told to take life seriously because I’m getting older. They never understood that all I needed was to take everything easy, without pressure. I really wanted to spend more time with my peers, I wanted to see the world the way I wanted and learn what life is all about.

I started battling with emotions and things I couldn’t put into words. Fear, insecurity, and pride warred against me the best they could. I tried to fight them. Believe me, I did. Thankfully, a little bit of courage kept me going for a while, which helped me to keep composing songs and presenting at various events.

Mum and Dad never stopped working hard. My music became more of a business to them. I couldn’t even connect to the lyrics of what I was singing anymore. I had to question God, is this what it feels like to have a gift from you… is this how you want your own children to grow up, all boxed up without an opinion… do you even care enough to speak to my parents to let them know they are raising me as a business, not their child?  Maybe God doesn’t care, some people say that on the internet. It might be true… I see on the news how a lot of bad things are happening to good people and he’s not sending fire to consume the bad guys, why is God silent sometimes?

Since we didn’t have some personal family time where I could voice my opinion, I spoke up in anger when I got too frustrated and I acted out so many times, that became my way of communication to mum and Dad. I didn’t know how else to inform them that they are obsessed with my career. They are working too hard and pushing me too hard, I needed a break! As they failed to realize this, my music no longer served as a ministration, it had become a dead work of lustful business and eye service.

I continued traveling and meeting a lot of people. Fans were in thousands, always waiting for me to sing. Social media was a different story entirely. I found myself caught up in the messages of love and lust from fans. Comments and questions abound. Thankfully, I didn’t have to respond to most of them myself. Mum got me an assistant to handle that.

The tours and ‘performances’ as I began to call them were getting too much. I needed a break, but mum kept saying it’s my time to shine. Shine? Does she think that’s what I want…to shine? I just want to be me and listen to the still small voice in my heart that I used to hear before, which I don’t anymore because of all the pressure around me. I didn’t even get enough time to hang out with my friends and know what was happening in their own world – a world I was no longer a part of. The next terrible thing was when mum hired a security guard for me. Seriously? I’m now a trophy to be guarded?

Watch out for teenage depression, my close friend Shanice would tell me. I didn’t want to know what that meant. I can’t be depressed. I only feel like I’m not being heard, and no one is listening to me. Aside from that, I’m ok.

About a month from then, things became worse. I couldn’t help it, my attitude began taking a toll on everyone around me. Sometimes, I caught my music team rolling their eyes at me. That’s it, I’m done. This was not the Lily everyone loved anymore. I didn’t know who this new girl was, and I didn’t like her either. I overheard mum speak with the team a few times “it’s just a phase in her life you know, the teenage years. She will soon grow out of it.”

Yea, right! Grow out of it, thanks mum, that was only a confirmation to everyone that I was still a child. My heart couldn’t bear the thoughts in my head. The only person I could talk to, and who seemed to listen to me was Paul, our band drummer. Paul was a very handsome guy with dark root hair, which had blonde ends. He had these striking light brown eyes – ones you couldn’t help but notice. We’ve always had small talks here and there, and he always seemed pretty interested in knowing what was going on in my heart. That’s what I needed.

Sweet sixteen was just around the corner, but there was no sweetness to it. It merely came with more anxiety. The only good feeling I had was that I was grown to the age where I could confidently hang out with a boy with little or no approval by my parents. I mean, I didn’t really care anymore, I just wanted to do what made me happy. I was done following instructions and being pushed around. This is what a lot of teens on social media were doing and I feel their frustration.

Dangerous decision. The little familiar voice kept repeating these words, but I chose to ignore because I needed to focus on me now. When I became in dire need of someone to talk to, Paul became that ‘someone.’

We would talk on the phone for hours irrespective of the time of day and not get tired. I spent a considerable amount of time on my phone and this seemed to make everyone around me so mad at me, especially Mum and Dad. Hello! This is a ‘me moment’ everyone, get over it! That kept me feeling numb to any other person’s opinion towards my attitude.

I remember that Wednesday afternoon quite well I had woken up in Paul’s apartment looking and feeling like ice-cold water had just been poured over me. I sat upright on the bed, stared at him and longed to say something, but no words came forth. “Wake up Paul, I managed to say, what have we gotten ourselves into, what have we done?” He seemed to be a little less concerned than I was. I rushed home and took the longest shower ever. Too bad, that didn’t wash away the mess I had gotten myself into.

In the weeks that followed, I was haunted with shame and forced humility. Yes, my life turned drastically – and not in a good way. I began to play hide and seek with my family and friends. I couldn’t stay for a few minutes of conversation without the strange feeling, so I tried to conceal myself in the best way I could.

My efforts to hide were futile – I failed miserably. I found myself in an all too familiar situation of being abandoned by a bad friend. I let a bad friend, the accuser have a better part of my life. I was left with shame before my maker and everyone that cared about me. Before long, those under the same roof as I discovered my secret.

Lily, we need to talk, said mum. Those were good words I would have loved to hear a long time ago before I gave up my crown.

That was it, no hiding anymore. I’m ready to face my shame.

‘I sense there’s something going on with you, do you want to talk about it?’

Oh boy, this is it. I mean, what could I hide from mum. She’s always been the ‘see all, know all’ type of mum.

With so much mumbling and lies trying to make my terrible situation sound ‘not so bad’, I finally got to the truth, I’m pregnant mom.

“You can’t be serious”, mum said as she rose to her feet in dismay. “How could you, a child of God? “We trained you so well and gave you everything. Why would you do this?”

Clueless on how to answer these questions, I began to cry. I felt so sorry for myself. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would have made better choices and lived better. I didn’t hear most of the things mum said next, my head throbbed as I battled my thoughts and regrets. She had left to break the news to my dad.

What?! came the thunderous exclamation from my dad. I needed to hide, perhaps under my bed.

No, I had to summon the courage to face him. But wait, there was no one here to defend or save me from the wrath that was to come. Should I just jump out of the window and escape everything? No, I can’t go that far…

Lily, what is this… pregnancy? The question came before I could make up my mind about the window option “I’m so sorry Dad, I’m really, really sorry.”

I honestly don’t know what to say to you now. For a while, you’ve separated yourself from the good we surrounded you with. Now you expect us to cuddle you despite this payback? To avoid making me running crazy with worrisome thoughts, please pack up your stuff and leave. You are not staying pregnant in this house. You had better call whoever impregnated you and let him know you are moving in with him.

“Honey please don’t take this too far,” I heard mum plead as they left my room. Could Dad really be serious about this? He’s throwing me out of the house?  So much for being ‘a loving father’. This was even more than I imagined. How would I survive this alone, without my family, and without the ones I love? How would I face society? The beloved little girl they thought they knew for years had gone astray and betrayed their faith and trust. This tragedy that was my life would play out all over social media. This was indeed a shame and I had no idea how I would survive.

True to dad’s words, I was thrown out of the house. I was lucky to find refuge at grandmother’s house. I had brought this upon myself, and the irony of it was I could not even remember the depression I was in before being lured into this situation. I was looking for someone or something to blame this on – the depression, lack of love, low self-esteem, and all the strange emotions I was dealing with prior to this debacle had vanished into thin air. Now I knew that these were merely distractions to lead me down to the dark I now found myself. I wish I had the foresight of this. I was now well and truly alone, left to deal with this by myself.

How are the mighty fallen? I believed the lies in my heart, I threw the door open for it to grow within me and upend my world. With my own feet, I had ventured into the dark, cold wilderness. To worsen matters, I was thrown and tossed in mud by the media. “That’s what you get for being a Christian artist… she was living a life of lies despite all the songs she sang… she’s a disgrace to believers… the devil is at work in her life… etc.

I mean, how much more could this girl take? All my walls had crumbled. Could someone – just anyone, show me some mercy and talk me through this? I need help to get out of this. The words of my regional pastor during the previous year’s youth conference came to remembrance. I remembered vividly because it was while I was really struggling with the lies the devil had planted in my heart. The Pastor had advised the youths to be sensitive to the Spirit of God and not allow the devil’s lies to be sown in their hearts. He had explained that we would all stand-alone before the judgment seat of God to give an account of all we did. Whatever came over me to prevent me from heeding that precious advice?

I can express nothing but thanks to my loving grandmother, who took my seed and me in and also nurtured us. Thank you so much. Granny rebuked me for my mistake and advised me on how to move on with my life. When I hit rock bottom, she pushed me to get up and walk again – to take the walk to the next phase of life regardless of what the future held for me. After all, my future was in the hands of my creator, who has always been merciful to me, and I trust Him because I believe his plans would bring me to a good end.

Since I no longer felt worthy to sings to God, all I did was listen. I listened to other gospel artists over and over again. Their lyrics helped me through this phase. Many times, I could hear the familiar little voice speaking to me through those songs. My strength came to me when the sweet and calming voice said, “Lily, I have not condemned you”.

I knew that voice, nothing else from then pulled me down. He hasn’t condemned me; he is ready to blot out my sins and take me back. For a whole day, I shut myself to the world so I could listen to all my sweet savior had to tell me. Lauren Daigle’s lyric pierced deeper at this moment, “what have I done to deserve love like this?” when the whole world including my family forsake me, the Lord took me in, he held my hand and said, “look up child, I still have a plan for your life, I’m not finished with you yet.”

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Six months went by, and I looked twice my normal size in my own eyes. Granny said there was not much difference since I was a tiny girl. Perhaps she said that to cheer me up. However, breathing was hard, and it felt like the world was on my chest. “You have to stay strong,” Granny Stance would encourage me every single day. The strength in me at this time wasn’t mine at all. Clearly, this was God upholding me and I’m grateful for His precious mercies. His words gave me warmth and comfort and I am still standing today because of His grace.

The last quarter of my journey into motherhood brought back fear and weakness. I didn’t let it have its way in me this time, I knew better. I kept emphasizing on the words I see on printed on t-shirts, Not today Satan. I prophesied over myself likewise whenever I felt overwhelmed. Christ is my ever-present help, He will lead me to the end. My new-found relationship with Christ was on a new level, I didn’t need a man to talk to me to make me happy. I have a God who loves me so much to talk and listen.

And God did it. On June 30th, at exactly 2 pm, my arms were filled with two little humans. TWO! Yes, you read that right. At that moment, I didn’t feel the world had ended. It was nothing like what I felt the first time the ultrasound revealed that I had two little ones in me. No, this day felt wonderful. Could someone be this happy? I was a totally new person and could not even begin to fathom how it happened. There must be some secret ingredient God places in our hearts when we become mothers – the spice is unexplainable.

Unsurprisingly, my parents couldn’t resist seeing their grandchildren. They had always had a soft spot for babies. Therefore, they willingly came to visit when Granny Stance told them they had become grandparents. This was the first time Mum and Dad had seen me in months. One glance at me and Dad turned to focus on his granddaughter and grandson. I could see in his eyes that he was still mad at me. Mum and granny looked happy and they took turns to help me feed them. Like the great wall of China, the wall that separated my parents and I stood tall. It was certain that I had to make peace with them immediately.

A week after we named my precious ones, Jaden and Janette, I asked to meet my parents to apologize for my past rebellion. The rebellious heart now belonged to God. I strategically placed Jaden and Janette in front of me while talking with my parents. This was to soften any hardness of their heart. It was obvious they had a soft spot for these ones. Please don’t judge me. I was a desperate daughter desperate to win back the love of her parents, and I’m glad I was able to. Oh! how I had missed the embrace of my parents.

To God be the glory, we became a family again albeit a bigger one. I might have been shamed, ridiculed, and trodden underfoot by the world. However, I have found peace with myself, God, and my family.

The sweet voice that has guided me through the storm whispered, “Look up child, it’s time to move to the next phase in life.”

Anne Etim writes short stories and inspirational blog. She is a wife and mother of two lovely children. When she is not working as a Master data coordinator, she brings to life the creative writing side of her. Movie production and screenplay are the goals she’s building up. Connect with Anne through her social media page.